WHAT IS LOVE 🐈 🐈

(circa. 7 August 2024)

 


 

LIFE AND DEATH

 

Even though this is first on my List of Essays, it will be the last piece I will write, but I want to explain two Psychological Theories first. If you haven't heard about it before, I'm glad to share it.

Freud wasn't the first person to come up with the idea, but the first one to study it and eventually published his findings. The theory is based on the believe that People are ruled by TWO PRIMARY FORCES:

  • The Life Instinct or drive (Eros); and
  • The Death Instinct or drive (Thanatos).

Here is a LINK to an Article that explains these two forces in from a layman's perspective, making it easy to understand. Freud argued that these two forces are constantly in Competition with each other, BUT work together to guide Human behavior, the one can not exist without the other one. For the purpose of this piece, it is necessary to have a basic idea of these two forces:

The Life Instinct: This is what drives Humans to stay alive and ensure the continuance of the Human Species. Humans would Consciously do things like look after their health and safety and Unconsciously, they would become part of the Society where they can co-operate and motivate each other - LOVE each other. This Drive is also the driving force for Humans or procreate - have children.

The Death Instinct: This is in direct contrast to The Life Instinct and Freud went as far to say that "The aim of all life is death". The Death Drive is best explained by Human's Nature of Death and Destruction, Aggression towards other Humans which is an inherent behavior, everyone has it - HATE. It is NOT defined as a fear of dying, though some People can direct this inwardly which leads to self-harm or even Suicide. This Instinct is also NOT the driving force behind Killing each other (Murdering), which is important.

To Summarize: It's a Psychological Theory about forces Working Together, Often in Competition, Guiding Human Behavior.

Most People know what Psychology is: Psychology is the scientific study of mind and behavior. Therefore we can assume that its roots must be in Science, but when we refer to "Science", it's such a broad spectrum. To describe Science in a generic way, I found this: Science is a strict systematic discipline that builds and organizes knowledge in the form of testable hypotheses and predictions about the world. The two descriptions are very open-ended because Humans are part of the World and it's Human Nature to gain knowledge. I realized that I was moving towards the "Chicken and Egg Causality Dilemma" yet again, because did Human behavior lead to Studying Science or does the knowledge we gain from Science, impact out behavior? Humans also don't always behave in a Predictable manner, in fact, that's what makes us Human, our uniqueness. 

I wanted to write about Love from an unemotional point of view and as a Subject-matter, not the feelings and expectations surrounding Love or Love between People. I knew What I wanted to write, but I struggled with How I was going to write about Love. So I planned the Outline of this Piece and it took me a while to begin, because (honestly) I started crying every time I sat down to plan - a lot! Luckily In planning, I stumbled onto an Article about Freud's 7 Theories about "Love", which made Pause. I want to give my opinion about Freud and Psychoanalytics first: Freud wasn't always right and my belief is that his fame came from everything he Published, almost being a 1920's Dr Phill. What he Published challenged the then "Modern" view of Psychology and were mainly Theories (Hypotheses), which allowed him to "get away" with a lot of things. Some of these Theories are still being discussed and studied today. Freud was actually a Neurologist who founded Psychoanalysis where Ivan Pavlov, a Russian Psychologist a few years before Freud, used Science and facts and he won a Nobel Prize, but he is lessor known. My fascination with Freud lies in the fact that he "Theorized" which lead to People questioning his Theories, talking about it, whether they agree or not. He was also very clear in his distinction between Love and Sex and the Relationship between the two. According to Freud, love is a sublimation of hate and that people often hate those they love.

The 7 aspects of Love by Freud:

  1. Sexuality is Everyone’s Weakness and Strength: Sex is a prime motivator and common denominator for all of us. Even the most prudent, puritanical-appearing individuals may struggle greatly against their sexual appetites and expression. 
  2. Every Part of the Body is Erotic: Sexual excitation is not restricted to genitalia, as pleasure is achieved through erotic attachment to potentially any idiosyncratically defined area of the body. Even today many people have great difficulty accepting this idea.
  3. Homosexuality is Not A Mental Illness: He noted that gay people are often distinguished by especially high intellectual development and ethical culture. In 1930, he signed a public statement to repeal a law that criminalized homosexuality. 
  4. All Love Relationships Contain Ambivalent Feelings: While we may consciously feel genuine and realistic loving towards a spouse, partner, parent or child, things are never exactly what they seem. In the world of the unconscious, beneath even the most loving and caring involvement are feelings, fantasies, and ideas that are negative, hateful, and destructive.
  5. We Learn to Love from our Early Relationships with Parents and Caregivers: Our early relationships with parents and caregivers help us to form a love map that persists throughout our lives. This is sometimes referred to as transference. Freud pointed out that when we find a love object we are actually re-finding it. 
  6. Our Loved One Becomes a Part of Ourselves: Freud noted that the characteristics, beliefs, feelings and attitudes of those we love become incorporated into ourselves–part of the psyche. He termed this process internalization. His concept concerning the depth of connection between people is contained in such expressions as referring to our loved one as “my better half.”
  7. Fantasy is an Important Factor in Sexual Excitement: Freud observed that sexual excitement comes from three directions: the external world (relationships, sexual history), the organic interior (sex hormones) and mental life (sexual fantasies). This is quite normal and it doesn't mean that we actually want to engage in such scenarios (or maybe we do).

 

I want to make it clear that my goal is to write about Love as if it was a Tangible, Physical Object made from Matter, that can be Measured, Studied and Described from a Scientific viewpoint. It is a Theory with no concrete facts or evidence, but I have for far too long thought about the Concept of Love which ONLY exists because Humans defined it, whether it's a feeling or emotion doesn't matter. Love wasn't "Discovered" and there are different types of Love. Love can also be overwhelming, in abundance, or non-existent, which effects Human behavior, or more accurately, it has an Unpredictable effect on Human behavior. It is MY OPINION that the question is the MOST DIFFICULT for anyone to answer: What is Love?

 

TYPES OF LOVE


I was convinced that the answer could be found once I identified the different types of Love, but I was in for a surprise. The Ancient Greeks defined 8 Types of Love:

  1. Eros (Sexual Passion)
  2. Philia (Deep Friendship)
  3. Ludus (Playful Love)
  4. Agape (Love for everyone)*
  5. Pragma (Longstanding Love)
  6. Philautia (Love of the Self)
  7. Storge (Family Love)
  8. Mania (Obsessive Love)

*Agape is actually more accurately defined as "God-like" Love, since He allowed His Son (Jesus) to be Crucified and Die for All of Man's Sins. It can therefore not exist between two People. 

 

I wasn't completely satisfied and did more research, only to become more frustrated, but then I remembered what I wrote about Humans and our Species Homo  Sapiens Sapiens - "Modern Humans". We pride ourselves by our constant search for Knowledge, Being Social and Our Emotional Intelligence, amongst other things. This made it impossible to find any Published Material related to Types of Love the Modern Human can experience, but I eventually settled with these 12:

  • New Love
  • Routine Love
  • Infatuation Love
  • Friend Love
  • Fake Love
  • The “One” Love
  • In It To Win It Love
  • Tragic Love
  • Parental Love
  • Unhealthy Love

After a lot of research, I realized that the answer to the question will not be found in the types of Love we as Modern Humans want to define. The one idea that started to take shape, while reading all these descriptions and more, was that "Love" can almost be compared to "Disease", if I had to give it a physical characteristic. Wikipedia defines a Disease as "any condition that impairs the normal functioning of the body". Since I'm attempting to answer the question from a Scientific perspective, this description can not be completely applied to Love, since Love impacts Human Behavior. 

This lead me to my FIRST ASSUMPTION: "Love is a Condition". Don't get confused or assume that the meaning behind this statement is that Love is unconditional, that would be wrong.

To eliminate any further confusion and to stay focused on "What is Love?", I needed to ensure that the answer can not be found in 4 o f the 5 Fundamental Questions:

  • When?
  • Where?
  • Why?
  • How?

They all seem to be relevant, at first, but going through different answers for each of them, for quite a long time, I realized that they can only be answered once I can answer What Love is. These 4 questions can only be answered by the mere existence of Love, which is still just a Modern Human Concept. The question might arise as to Why do I call "Love" a "Modern Human" concept and not just a Human emotion, feeling or experience. The answer lies in the Scientific name of our Species: Homo Sapiens Sapiens which first appeared about 100 000 to 150 000 years ago. Sapiens Sapiens sets us apart  from other Homo Sapiens like The Neanderthals or Primates. Some characteristics that defines Modern Humans are: High Intelligence; Social Structures; Religion; Language and mainly how we gain Knowledge through Science which is used in Developing Technology (Complex Tools) which can be used. Though other species are known to also make use of Tools (Apes, Dolphins even some Birds) the differentiator is that Modern Humans Develop Technology and something like Religion was Developed by Modern Humans, and so on. We are the Product of our own Creations.

   

WHAT IS IT NOT?

  

By attempting to classify "Love" as something more than a concept, I thought that I should identify What it is NOT, to hopefully limit the Scope. Luckily I had Freud's list as a starting point.

  • Love is not sex. I think a lot of people don't understand this, especially when it involves relationships. From experience I can say "I've been there", where sex was used as a measurement tool for the State of the Relationship.
  • Love is not only "Good": As Freud stated that beneath even the most loving and caring feelings are ideas that are negative, hateful and destructive.
  • Love is not an Instinct: People are not born with the knowledge of Love or What types of Love exists, but they need to Learn to Love.
  • Love is not a Mental State: Your Mental Health doesn't influence your ability to Love and should not be used as a tool to measure a Person's ability to Love.
  • Love is not limited to another Person: This can be interpreted in two ways. The First being that People can Love "things" like Pets, Cars, Their Homes etc. People will give these "things" names to give them a "Human Characteristic". The Second interpretation is that People are able to have different types of Love, at the same time, with more than one Person. We can have Friends and be in a Monogamous Relationship at the same time for instance.
  • Love is not Unconditional: Some People will disagree, but Unconditional Love does not exist, no matter what type of Love it is.
  • Not every Person experience Love: Love is not defined by Race, Age, Sexual Orientation, Gender or Status. I used "experience" with a reason, because most People will, during their lives, Love other People and will be Loved by other People. I believe however that there are People who are not capable of Loving other People or even other "things".
  • A Person can not Love another Person who doesn't want to be Loved: This is applicable to all Types of Love and I have the experience to write about it. You can do anything, change everything, give more and expect less, but if another Person doesn't want your Love you have to accept it and "deal with it".
  • Love is not a Science: If you look back at the description of Science, the argument can be made that Love is not a discipline that organizes knowledge in the form of hypotheses and predictions.

There are probably more, but these few have enough impact to narrow the Scope although they still define the Concept of Love. It almost makes me want to find out when "Love" was first used by Modern Humans, knowing that it's an impossible question to answer. There is one question that any one can answer, which indicates that Love could be more than just a Concept: Is it possible for People to Observe Love? For an object to exist, it needs to be made up by matter. Matter is anything that has Mass, can be weighed, Takes up Space, therefore it has Volume and everything with a Mass, has. This presents a challenge.

Using a simple Mathematical equation, I will try to explain the challenge: z = a 𝙭 b with z = 10 and b = 5, what is the value of a (being 2)? People often use "Energy" to describe how they feel, or a "vibe" they get from another Person or maybe even as an indicator of their interactions with other People. People are Physical beings and need Energy to exist, but we need to "Produce" more Energy, to just "Keep us going", to be able to do things like helping others, playing Sports or being Social. If Loving someone else, no matter what type of Love, drains your Energy, then the equation can be applicable. Energy is a resource and is not Limitless, it is bound by Physics (e=mc2). If defining Love as an Object means that it uses Energy, then I have to find out its Mass (In the equation, assume a represents Love's Mass, z represents Energy and b represents the Speed of Light (c2)). Since People are very aware of their Energy levels, although they can not put a Specific Value on it, they feel more drained (tired) at certain times, as a result of doing something that took more Energy than what they could "Produce". If Love uses Energy, what is the Source?  

This lead me to the SECOND ASSUMPTION: If Love is Energy, between People with certain similarities, then "To Love is to be Human".

 

MORE THAN JUST A CONCEPT

 

By now it is quite obvious that trying to define Love as an Object or something physical, rather than a Modern Human Concept, is almost impossible. I've only been able to Deduce that it is a Human Condition that needs Energy. The source of the Energy comes from People and People are by Nature, Unpredictable. I am certain that All People have 2 things in common: The Life Instinct and the Death Instinct. Knowing this gave me and advantage, because when I met other People over the years, I looked for which Instinct was more dominant. The fact is, most People like other People with a Stronger Life Instinct than Death Instinct. I don't think I have ever met anyone who were actively looking for someone Aggressive and wanted Conflict. People, in general, like other People who are Social, Positive and Loveable with the same values and interests, because it takes less Energy to Love that Person. The one thing most People forget, or maybe they don't know, is that every Person has a Death Instinct which is Inherent to Everyone and it was Surprising to see someone else being surprised by this behavior from someone they Loved. 

To Love, whichever way you want, implies that there will be a "Relationship" of some sort. People live in a Society in Relation to other People, a Connection between People and a therefore Associate with other People. Freud stated that People "Learn to Love" form their Parents or Caregivers, therefore it stands to reason that People also "Learn to Hate", since these two are constantly in competition with each other. If Love needs Energy then Hate probably does too. If Energy is a Limited Resource, what is the Impact on Love when a Person "Runs out of Energy" or realizes they have been wasting their Energy on another Person? Since People behave in an Unpredictable manner, by nature, does this imply that to Love another Person, you need to get to know that Person well enough to be able to Predict their behavior? Is it possible that Love is merely two People behaving similarly?

There is one thing that I have not confessed yet, which is the Motivation behind why I wanted to prove that Love is more than just a Modern Human Concept. I probably don't have enough experience to even write about Love either. The People who Loved me during my life are either dead, or not part of my life anymore due to my "Unpredictable Behavior".  I have withdrawn from the rest of Society and really enjoy being a Recluse, which is something I probably should've done a very long time ago. People are quick to judge my lifestyle as being "Unhealthy", "Not Normal" or just "Wrong" and I know why. 

Most People live their lives according to what the rest of Society would find "Acceptable Behavior". People associate themselves with other People with similar behaviors and without realizing, they conform to a Social Structure with unwritten rules and expectations. One of those expectations is Love, whatever type of Love it is. People Choose who they want to Love within this Social Structure that was Developed by People. Even Darwin wrote about this in his Theory about Natural Selection. I don't want to boast, but I'm convinced that only a Highly Mature Person with a Higher than average Intellect would question these Social Structures and the role that Love plays within these Structures.

I realized that during my life, I used "Love" as a Tool and played a role in Society by behaving Predictably. I can now admit that it was Un-natural for someone like me to live that way, because I LEARNED how to Behave Predictably and I adapted my Behavior according to what was Socially acceptable, not knowing THEN that I was hurting People who Loved "Me", or more accurately, the Version of Me that behaved the way they would accept. I used Depression and Anxiety as excuses whenever I didn't behave predictably and it worked. After this "Awakening" I made the CHOICE to withdraw from these Social Structures not because of my Depression or Anxiety, but to do whatever I was able to do, to NOT be able to hurt anyone. In general, People with Mental Health problems become Recluses, but my Depression and Anxiety vanished completely and I can not hurt anyone again. I can finally behave my way, which is Natural for me.

When I reached my "Natural State", without having to conform to any Social Structure, I started to realize certain things, which were:

1st - There was no one who demanded anything from me;

2nd - How much Energy it took to try to get someone to listen to me;

3rd - People talk to each other without really saying what they mean or telling the truth;

4th - People live in "fear": Afraid of being alone; Afraid to offend someone; Afraid to be too helpful; Afraid to ask too much but in reality People were afraid of the Social Structures they developed;

5th - Life is finite and What you leave behind doesn't matter if there isn't anyone Who can remember you;

6th - People live without knowing who they directly or indirectly influenced or affected;

7th - A text message has a longer lasting impact than what People might think;

8th - People develop Tools to make life less complicated, but the Tools are becoming more complicated to use and People can not adapt quickly enough therefore making the Tools useless;

9th - Music, Movies, TV, Magazines, Books and Blogs have become havens to hide from reality;

I'll stop here: Words are the most powerful Tools People can use.

 

Why is what I listed, if at all, applicable? If you have focused on what I wrote about Love and what it took for me to come to these realizations, there wouldn't be a need to explain. To err on the cautious, I would rather not have every Person reading this make the wrong assumption. In the list of "What Love is NOT", I left out 1 thing, on purpose, because it is Impossible "Love is not for everyone". I can use this specific point to draw your attention back to the fact that when I refer to Love, it refers to ANY kind of Love, even though most People will think about Romantic Love, maybe Friendship. The Base (not Basis) for any type of Love, is Loving Yourself, and the Best reference I can use to prove this is The Bible. It doesn't matter what your Religious views are, what your Faith is or even if you don't believe in a Higher Power, but in The Bible A Man (Jesus) tells us that there are two "Rules" People should obey and each one of these includes "As you would do yourself". I'm not just writing about What Love is, but at the same time I'm doing this out of Love. I had previously done some digging to find out if there is a connection between Intelligence and Love, which I didn't write too much about, but I kept the Article. It might sound like I'm boasting, but "People with a higher than average intelligence may struggle with relating to others due to differences in interests, thought processes, and communication styles. Overthinking and overanalyzing can strain relationships, leading to unnecessary conflicts and trust issues." My list should be seen, at least, as a result of my thoughts, interests, overthinking and overanalyzing. While I was trying to accept myself, I was looking for proof that I wasn't "loosing it" and it wasn't wrong to become reclusive. I started to read a lot, not Books, recent Articles covering a range of interests, by Searching Google for something, but Google is clever, and I would get a list of Links "Related" to my Search. I would end up reading about many other things I found interesting which I was able to "Process" and analyze, leading to "Overthinking" and back to Google to Search for Articles to read, which eventually made want to write about how different "things" affect each other. The List is just a few of these interests which went through "My Process" and have one thing in common - always: People, more exactly, Modern Humans. I'm not going to explain how it happened, but The List, People and The Question of What Love is, turned into a Thought that Love should obviously have characteristics. These characteristics must have a Human aspect, for example:

  • A limited lifetime;
  • Fallible;
  • Language;
  • Behavior;
  • Knowledge;
  • Conscious;
  • Destructive;
  • Unique;
  • Unpredictable;
  • Unfair;
  • Demanding;
  • etc.

It just seems reasonable to argue that Love can not exist without People. It also seems reasonable to argue that People have developed certain behaviors that are "Interpreted" by other People as Love. People do things for the People they Love, depending on the type of Love. Love can only be expressed by People, using Language and Behavior, to other People. Love needs to be mutual to exist. Love also creates expectations between People with either Positive or Negative Consequences. People Love each other because they are driven by the Instinct to Live. The fact that Love isn't a Modern Human Concept, isn't something physical made up by Matter and it can not be measured Objectively, means that Love is not a "What". It is also not a Why, When, Where or How, because these are just adjectives to describe the reason for Love. The challenge remains: What is Love?

From the start, when I decided on the Title being "What is Love?", there was a recurring memory, or thought, I couldn't get out of my mind, no matter how hard I tried. I first just have to mention that I'm a Sc-Fi Fanatic, not because it's "Futuristic" or have "Special Effects", but Sci-Fi Media can "Take on" issues like Religion, Race, Human Rights and even Homosexuality without offending anyone. So, the Star Trek Deep Space Nine Series had an Episode where the Doctor fell in Love with a "Mutated Human". She was part of a Group of Humans who were Genetically Engineered by giving them "Intelligence beyond what Humans would call Genius Level". It was hoped that these "Test Subjects" would resolve challenges quickly and would make Proposals to the Federation in order to bring about a quicker End to the War they were involved in. In Star Trek, the result of the experiment was actually exactly what it was suppose to be. Their Higher intelligence lead to differences in Interests, Overthinking, Overanalyzing and they couldn't Communicate to other People which lead to Trust issues and Conflict because they had problems "Fitting into Mainstream Federation Society" (I quoted this from a Wiki-Blog, but does it ring a bell?). They were given a humane living by holding them in an institute and was labled as "Insane". They escaped when Sarina fell into a "Cataleptic State" due to the Genetic Modifications and needed the Doctor's help to "Cure" her (Season 7, Episode 5 if you're interested). Not to be recognized, they disguised themselves by wearing Starfleet Uniforms, pretending to be Starfleet Officers, with the one pretending to be an Admiral. The Doctor was ordered to report to his Infarmary at 3am, by "The Admiral", and when he recognized them, he asked how they got away and a few other questions. He answered every question, exactly the same, with one commenting: "You will be surprised by how well it works". During the Episode, the Doctor goes to extreme lenghts to help Sarina, also developing feelings for her, and once she was able to speak, her voice was almost montone. The group helped her by singing "Do-re-mi" (and BRAVO BIG TIME TO DS9) not the version from "Sound of Music", but a Mutated version which will give you the chills (Click on "Do-re-mi" if you want to see the clip on Youtube).


CONCLUSION


I wanted to write about Love from a Scientific point of view, as a Physical Object made from Matter that can be Measured. In my opinion, i have achieved that Goal, but it doesn't even come close to providing an answer. If Love was an Object, it would probably have "Shapeshifting" capabilities. The answer to "What is Love?", is Subjective, because it needs to include "Human Conditions". I can not give an answer, but would use the Admiral's response from Deep Space Nine: That's a Stupid Question.

 


FIN








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